I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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