My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize