So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
