so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
