I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
