highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
