Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
