if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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