Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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