I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
