I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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