is your mom at the bar?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
