I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
