Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
