Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
