Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
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I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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