the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
