whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
