If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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