the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
