I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
