Don't make out with my wife yet
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
