just tell him i said nine months
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
