I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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