First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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