I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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