I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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