I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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