The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
