I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
