I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
