The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
