P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
