Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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