i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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