Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
