My boss' voice literally gives me gas
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
