So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
