Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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