dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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