I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
