I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
