pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
