my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
