he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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