I just saw a hot homeless man
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
