my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
