Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
