I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
