I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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