Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
