just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
