Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
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we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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