My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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