I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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