I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Someone shattered a urinal.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
