I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
