I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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