When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
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I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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